When we arrived at Ft Bliss I was 7 months pregnant. My first mission became to find a community of friends. Though I was still angry at God and not interested in pursuing our relationship further (read more about that here) the most familiar place I knew to meet people was church. I quickly discovered PWOC (Protestant Women of the Chapel) and Sunrise Baptist Church and we began making a new home.

In Matthew 5:4 it says “Blessed are those who mourn.” We arrived at Ft. Bliss 1 year and 4 months after Katie’s surgery and I had not allowed myself to mourn. I didn’t believe I had the right to. She was alive wasn’t she. Isn’t that what all the well meaning people and their kind words kept reminding me, “Well at least she’s alive.” She may have been, but I was not.

First you need to know a little about me. I tend to be an overachiever and I LOVE homework. So, when the list of Bible Studies came out at PWOC I didn’t look for a topic, I looked for the one that required the most work. The fact that I hadn’t picked up my Bible in over a year didn’t phase me. I thought I could skirt by on my previous Bible knowledge.

Sue Huggler was leading a class based off of Philip Yancey’s book The Jesus I Never Knew. Through the course of the next few months we discussed scripture, watched movie clips, and talked about our lives. Somewhere along the line we came to the story of Lazarus.

The story of Lazarus is found in John 11 but it was verse 12 that jumped out at me.

Martha then said to Jesus, “Lord, if You had been here, my brother would not have died.

When Jesus first heard of Lazarus being sick, scripture says He loved them and He waited. In my world, and I am sure in Martha’s as well, He waited does not communicate love.

Jesus did not arrive until 4 days after Lazarus died. Martha was the first to greet Him and the first to ask where were you. Jesus did not rebuke her. Instead He listened and in verse 35 it says He wept.

Suddenly the flood gates opened and for the first time I mourned my daughter’s loss, I mourned her site, I mourned the direction our life had turned and I cried out to God WHERE WERE YOU.

And I felt His comfort.

Jesus loved Lazarus, Martha and Mary. He grieved with them. He hurt because they hurt even though He knew the miracle He was about to perform. The coming resurrection of Lazarus could not bring comfort to his sisters because they could not understand it. Their pain was real and Jesus hurt with them. With them. With me.

For the first time I began to realize that Katie was healed, maybe not in the way I asked but that did not negate the fact that she was healthy. I had misconstrued His allowing pain in her life and ours as if He was saying He did not love my baby. Nothing could be farther from the truth.

Just as Christ had greater plans for Lazarus that required his death first, He has great plans for our family. I do not believe that God causes pain for our growth, but I do believe He allows it and uses it. Just as He allowed Lazarus to die so that He could show God’s power through resurrection, He has something big in store for Katie and our family.

Lazarus’ death and resurrection isn’t the only time in the Bible that Christ choose to not act. In fact Lazarus’ story is a foreshadowing of Christ’s own death and resurrection.

Christ wept and cried out to God, “Take this cup from me.” He felt forsaken but He also said “Not my will but yours.” Yancey writes, “At its core Gethsemane depicts, after all, the story of an unanswered prayer. The cup of suffering was not removed.(pg 195)” The whole reason Christ came to earth was to bridge the gap between us and God. The cross was His purpose but it was a purpose of suffering. The cross was necessary for our salvation though it caused much pain.

Christ could have insisted that this was not the way and ended the story right then and there. But He choose to not act, to not save Himself, but to submit to God’s will. In doing so a greater story was written. A story of our salvation.

Perhaps your story is similar to mine. Perhaps it is different in the details but similar in the pain. Know that Christ weeps with you. In the quietness of your room late at night when you pour out your heart or in the crowded room where you wear your game face, He knows you are hurting and He wants to walk through your suffering with you. “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.” Matthew 5:4

If you are struggling with your understanding of who Jesus is I encourage you to read Philip Yancey’s book The Jesus I Never Knew. As I was flipping through the pages while writing this post I found myself eager to read it again.

If you do not or never have had a relationship with Jesus and would like to know more I would love to talk to you. You can also read more about how to get started with a relationship with Jesus here.

Feel free to leave comments below, I love hearing from you. Check back again tomorrow as I share what it is like for Katie and me after 7 1/2 years cancer free. How can I feel broken and blessed all at once?