On Losing Faith and Gaining Something Far Greater

At some point in our life we all have doubt. Questions go unanswered. Perhaps, it is the goodness of God in the midst of personal or global tragedy. Perhaps, it is an intellectual struggle of the existence of a creator or the authenticity of scripture. Perhaps, it is a desire to hold on to things the way they are and a tight grasp on the things we do not want to give up.

Losing Faith and Wrestling God

The first time I wrestled with God to the point where I was in crisis was soon after my daughter was diagnosed with cancer. After a lifetime of mission trips, seminary, and first hand experience seeing miracles happen… I couldn’t wrap my mind around how he claimed to love my daughter but allowed this disease to mutilate her. I had God in a box. A nice tidy box and when the methods, theology, and magic prayers did not work I threw the box out with him still in it.

Fast forward a few years, I’m a military spouse and working in ministry again. (read Will God Let Go of Us if We Let Go of Him? to fill the gap). I had come to terms with the fact the world did not revolve around me and my little family. My faith was stronger then ever, and just in time to face deployments and disappointments. I had thrown the box out, God’s nice tidy home where everything was black and white and there was a book written somewhere that covered every detail, but this time I kept God. More powerful, more fearful, and more loving. My faith had evolved and I was doing what I loved. Working in the church, ministering to others.

I love to work. I love pouring in to other people’s lives. So much so I begin to neglect me. After 5 years of ministry the pettiness and bickering I began to experience from others began to wear on me. Our family had been through numerous personal loses, two deployments, and just complete exhaustion. I had to let go of ministry and move forward. I took some time off and dove in to my passion of writing. I published a few short stories and focused on my family with lazy long mornings pouring through books, replenishing my own soul, and homeschooling the kids.

We said we would find another church. But we lacked motivation. Sitting on our couch watching marathon tv shows, ordering in, and shutting out the world become so appealing. Church had been nothing but drama for so long we wanted little to nothing to do with it. We were done.

By now you’ve probably heard the phrase “done” often. It’s been blogged about by many. The droves of people who are fed up and “done” with the community of Christians and church. This crisis was not about who God is/was. It had more to do with his followers and not wanting to be a part of the community any longer. The chorus from Take Me To Church resonated with me more then I care to admit. It spoke to a loneliness and a desperation in my heart. We had let go of a few friendships and said goodbye to others. My little family was shutting the outside world out. I was tired of the cookie cutter christian, the black and white we have all the answers attitude. Scripture is living, beautiful, and complex. God does not fit in a box.

Then 2014 ended and 2015 began. Things had changed. I thought I was done with church. I was tired of the pettiness, of the bickering over pancakes and mopped floors. I wanted to discuss Christ, to ask the hard questions, to seek social justice, to see change in people’s lives as they struggled with who they are versus who God has called them to be. I thought we had walked away from ministry, but once again God wasn’t going to let me go. He heard my heart’s desire to serve him, to know him better and he placed me in a community that is allowing me to do just that.

Finding Your Way Back To God

God doesn’t let go of us. He wants us to ask the hard questions, to live in the world he has created and to explore and admire his creation. He made it, good and bad. When we lack understanding it is our job to search it out, to ask hard questions, and to seek his guidance.

*Family Christian sent me Dave and Jon Ferguson’s new book Finding Your Way Back to God for an honest and fair review.

This book is a collection of people’s stories, some like mine, who struggled with intertwining their life experiences with their theology. It is framed around the parable of the Prodigal Son. Throughout the book you will find a challenge and a prayer, “God, if you are real, make yourself real to me.” It is such a simple prayer with so much behind it. It’s not about where you are now, where you have been, it’s about answering that one question that has plagued mankind since creation.

Perhaps it is because I have heard the story of the prodigal son so often and in so many different ways, but I had difficulty connecting with this book. Perhaps it is because I have moved past the question is God a good God when evil abounds. I want to skip straight to chapter 10, when the father runs to his son. He doesn’t wait till the son grovels back. He runs to him, throws open his arms, and lets the son know he was never forgotten. In all his searching for fulfillment and answers, the father never forgot him but waited patiently.

Gaining Something Far Greater

I have always loved Thomas Hart Benton’s portrayal of the Prodigal Son displayed at the Dallas Museum of Art. It speaks to my boxed god, the one I threw out long ago, the one that I once believed would not be waiting for me after I asked all the hard questions. The god of little grace who withheld answered prayers unless I had enough faith. Now the picture reminds me of who I was and where I once was in my faith. It reminds me that my faith was small, it was black and white and required a standard of perfection I could not meet. The image I now have in my mind is the one of the running father, the one waiting on me, thankful and proud that my curiosity and questions have led me right back into his arms.

I will forever, until my last breath, be searching for a better understanding of the unknown. I will not know until my breath has ceased just how far off the mark I may be. But I will learn in the outstretched arms of my Father just how deeply he loves me anyway.

Review and Giveaway

Along with sending me a copy of Finding Your Way Back to God, Family Christian is sponsoring a giveaway for a $25 Gift Certificate. Enter below.