I am a hoarder of friendships. Letting others go is not something that comes easily, and honestly it shouldn’t. People are not disposable.

So when an unhealthy situation occurs, letting go is always my last option. It is very rare that I’ve even gotten to that point. Not every relationship is meant to withstand the test of time. Some friendships come and go naturally. Distance drives a wedge between us, life circumstances call us away from one another. I have been blessed with some amazing friendships that in their time were essential parts to my life. The thought of not speaking to these women or men daily would have devastated me at the time but knowing they are just a phone call away, despite the amount of time between those calls, is a blessed relief. I love picking up right where we left off whether it was a week or five years ago. Other friendships have slowly disappeared simply because the demands of our own families have required them to. There was no real end, but there is also no continuation. We each served our purpose in each other’s life and moved on to serve another. Friendships come and go.

So what happens when a friendship has not ended naturally but is becoming unhealthy? And what exactly is an unhealthy friendship?

Friends

Everyone has a different definition of what a friend is because everyone needs and gives based on their own life circumstances. It is one of the reasons we do not all get along.

Webster keeps it simple. A friend is a person who you like and enjoy being with. There can be so much packed into those two words “like” and “enjoy”. It makes the definition flexible and personal to every individual who uses the word.

You, my friend, are not required to like everyone. Your opinion matters. Your goals matter. Your priorities matter.

As a military spouse I have eagerly jumped into many relationships that in the past I would have approached with more caution. The military lifestyle allows for immediacy of intimacy because of the knowledge that time is limited.

Boundaries

Needing boundaries in ministry was something I learned the necessity of early on (I can not say however that I perfected them). When boundaries were not established it was my family that suffered. The 2 am phone calls just to chat, the unscheduled visits to my office to complain for three hours, and the belief that I should be available 24 hours a day took it’s toll. Taking care of your self, your marriage, and your family are essential foundations before ever reaching out to care for anyone beyond your front door. Brian C. Berry does a great job of addressing this in his book As For Me and My Crazy House: Learning to Protect Your Heart, Marriage, and Family From the Demands of Youth Ministry. It is written for youth leaders but I highly recommend it to anyone in ministry.

The need for boundaries can be applied to all areas of our lives. If it is a struggle to take care of the basic needs of our own family then we should not be saying yes to others. Perhaps volunteering for FRG or leading another Bible Study should not receive another yes if we are constantly having to say no to spending time with our spouse or to tired to listen to the needs of our own children.

The need for boundaries in friendships is something I am only just now learning.

My personal definition of a friend is someone I can trust, who I love, who needs me and I need them, who enjoys the time we spend together (whether online, phone calls, through email, or face to face). Perhaps that is not as well defined as you would like but my friendships are each unique.

I have a friend whom we only check each other’s facebook statuses and occasionally comment, but we’ve been friends since third grade and it is enough to keep the memory alive. I have other friends whom I talk to or text daily whether it’s serious or silly little pictures we’ve taken of our kids and their messes. One friend I saw face to face only once and we instantly clicked, however do to her location we can only communicate through occasional emails. Those emails are so precious.

Then there are the friends who have this sixth sense when something is wrong and can call me right at that exact moment that I need them the most and walk me through whatever the immediate need is. There are friends I haven’t seen or spoken to in years that we could pick up where we left off and others whom we probably wouldn’t recognize each other if we suddenly hit carts at Walmart.

Here’s what happened when I finally set some boundaries

I have never before ended a friendship out of a necessity to establish healthy boundaries, until recently. Someone I cherished came at me with a vengeance over a misunderstanding, a silly repost of a blog I liked that they found offensive. In the end I was told to never speak to their family again. I was devastated. BUT I don’t give up on friendships so I waited, sent messages through a mutual friend that I was waiting, and after 6 months of silence I decided it was time to move on.

I did the unthinkable.

I hit that horrible defriend button. It was to hard to see this life I wanted to be a a part of go on without me. I never thought my button pushing would even be noticed. Unfortunately, it was. What had once been silence turned into an ugly stream of text messages that sent my anxiety spiraling out of control. In the end, I had to severe all communication in order to breathe.

Sounds drastic. Why couldn’t we work it out? I’m not sure entirely. I wanted to for 6 months but in the end did not have the stamina to withstand the hurtful words. When I say I couldn’t breathe I am not exaggerating. Had it not been for my good friend, with the sixth sense, to know that I needed a phone call (and a breathing coach at that exact moment) an ambulance would have been at my front door.

People are not disposable. It should hurt when friendships end. But when friendship turns into abuse it is time to move on.

An Unhealthy Friendship

So what is an unhealthy friendship?

Friendship is about give and take. It is not a measure of well I did this so you should do that. Rather it is a natural display of love for one another. When a friendship begins to take on a tone of “I do more for you then you do for me” then there needs to be a serious sit down conversation. Someone is feeling taken advantage of and that is not true friendship. Fault could lie on both sides or neither, it could be a simple misunderstanding. Friendship is never about I, it’s about loving someone else and wanting the best for that other person.

It’s about loving your neighbor as yourself, rejoicing at their good fortune, and hurting in their pain. As soon as I begin to think “what am I getting from this relationship” that friendship is not healthy. I am not healthy.

Friends it is about loving one another. When we love one another we respect the time constraints, we take in to account personal history, personal struggles, and agendas are non-existent.

When a friend comes to you and says “I do more for you then you do for me” or if you find yourself saying the same then perhaps it is time to reevaluate that friendship. And when cruel words are exchanged does it even exist?

How do you define a friend? Share with us in the comments.