I’ve been driving around El Paso all day. From the East Side to the West, back to the Northeast and then Ft Bliss. The St. Jude Radiothon has filled the silence from one location to the next. My heart is sitting in their radio station right now.

Normally, when St. Jude commercials come on the tv or the radio I turn the channel. My heart breaks. My friends faces and their children are the stories I hear. Our St. Jude story breaks me. We never think we are strong enough to face the ugliness of cancer and well meaning friends tell you in the midst that God never gives you more then you can handle. If your listening, really listening, to the voices sharing their stories then you already know…

That’s bullshit.

Watching your child suffer through cancer is more then you can handle, it’s more then your child can handle… alone. St. Jude doesn’t just treat the patient. St. Jude gives you community and hope. They give you the resources and strength to face the ugliness of cancer.

I turn the channel because my heart breaks. My husband and I will tell you over and over again that we owe St. Jude everything because they gave us our daughter. My heart breaks because every story does not end like ours. Cures still need to be found, hope still needs to be offered. When we walk through the doors of St. Jude I spend the majority of my time there in tears. I struggle with survivor’s guilt. I know that every story is not ours.

As I’m writing this I’m hearing my heart, my daughter and survivor, share her story on KHEY Country. St. Jude gave her this moment, they gave her every moment since she was 6 months old. Am I emotional, who wouldn’t be? Am I thankful, eternally. I will never be able to repay St Jude for what they gave us. They filled our most painful moment with joy. They taught us to see the beauty of life in every breath.

Why do I not believe that God never gives us more then we can handle? Because I’ve had more then I can handle, I’ve broke multiple times, and I’ve watched others endure far worse with more grace then I can muster on my best days. I share those struggles in Finding Joy: The Year Apart That Made Me A Better Wife. God does give us more then we can handle, but He gives us each other to walk through the darkest moments together. And no matter how much we try to push Him away, He continues to walk through it with us.

Life is messy. Love is even messier.

I am not the strong one in our story. My daughter is.

My unsolicitied advice: when your friend is hurting just show up. Don’t give easy tweet-able phrases. Listen, don’t talk, give where it counts, make a difference.

Listen in to KHEY Country tonight and tomorrow as our Katie shares her story. If you feel led become a partner of Hope. You will be helping families like ours. If you have questions about St. Jude I am happy to answer them. Just drop them in the comments below.

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