Category Archives: Motherhood

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On Letting Go & Moving Forward

I have never been particularly good at letting go, especially when it comes to people or experiences.

In my heart I have equated it with giving up. I love finding potential in people, I love dreaming about what’s right around the corner, and once I’ve seen what could be I hold on tightly. This isn’t a new phenomenon in my life. In fact I have been known to stay in groups, friendships and other unhealthy relationships much longer then I should have. In high school I stayed on the basketball team with the dream of getting off the bench. It wasn’t until the very last game of my senior year that I realized it wasn’t going to happen. I stayed in an unhealthy relationship, a high school boyfriend, through most of college even though I should have just let it go the first time we broke up. But instead I held on to a dream that should have died.

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Finding Purpose in our Pain

Yesterday, I shared with you the joy I have at my daughter’s survival and the utter brokenness we both feel. If you missed it you can read it here: How can I feel broken and blessed all at once.

Survivor’s Guilt, according to Dr. Kevin Ellers in his lecture Survivor’s Guilt & Fostering Resiliency (Part of www.LightUniversity.com‘s Stress & Trauma Care with Military Application Training Program), has a typical and broader defintion:

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How can I feel broken and blessed all at once?

We have been coming to St. Jude for 7.5 years now. Katie was diagnosed with RB (Retinoblastoma) at 6 months old.

Our story is not unlike others (you can read about it here). It was a whirlwind of emotions that leaves me raw thinking about it, even now.

As our visits to St. Jude have moved further apart (now only twice a year) we have become more removed from the community of fellow patients. Our visits feel more and more like we are on the outside looking in rather then active participants.

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Have you found comfort? I did. Here’s how.

When we arrived at Ft Bliss I was 7 months pregnant. My first mission became to find a community of friends. Though I was still angry at God and not interested in pursuing our relationship further (read more about that here) the most familiar place I knew to meet people was church. I quickly discovered PWOC (Protestant Women of the Chapel) and Sunrise Baptist Church and we began making a new home.

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Will God hold on to us if we let go of Him?

On April 2 we woke up early and headed to the main hospital where Katie was scheduled for her enucleation.

I have never prayed so hard in my life. I knew in my heart that God had already healed her. I thanked Him for the healing. I believed.

Ok, so I’ve walked this Christian life long enough to know that things do not always turn out the way we ask but I had also experienced, witnessed first hand, miracles occur. I knew that my God was strong enough to heal my daughter. And since He claimed to love her more then I ever could I knew that at any moment one of the doctors would walk into the waiting room and say “We can’t explain it, there is no tumor. Your daughter can keep her eye the cancer is gone.”

That was not the path that had been laid out for us.

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Our St Jude story, how it began

Our St Jude story began in Conway, AR.

Katie had just started crawling and would get stuck on the left side. She would crawl into a chair leg, cry, then do it again. When we played peekabo she would panic if we covered her right eye and not respond if we covered her left. She also developed a nursing preference. During the day she only liked nursing on the right and at night on the left.

We took her in to the doctor for her shots at 6 months, expressed our concerns, and were told by the nurse that the doctor would do an eye exam at 9 months. We were not satisfied. My husband got a hold of the local eye doctor who fit us in right away after hearing our concerns.

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What I did with Writer’s Block

This morning I sat and stared at my computer till I felt my eyes numb and nothing came. Defeated, I shut my computer and walked away.

I fumbled through the kitchen making blueberry pancakes and then plopped down on the couch beside my family. We devoured them with maple syrup and a marathon of Star Trek.

The rest of the day consisted of preparing the boys for a night of camping, making more homemade laundry detergent (though I never did the laundry), and a tiny bit of cleaning. Once the boys were adequately shipped off for a night of Boy Scouts, the girls and I settled into a night all our own. It consisted of baking cupcakes, watching The Hunchback of Notre Dame, doing nails, and eating hamburgers with onion rings and brussel sprouts.

One could say that my writer’s block defeated me today. I accomplished nothing in the way of writing. But on the other hand it gave me the opportunity to step away from the computer where I write about life and just really enjoy it. I loved my day filled with good food, laughter, and Star Trek.

I wouldn’t trade it for a 1,000,000 words. So excuse me while I go cuddle in for one last snuggle and fall asleep watching Tinker Bell with my babies.

How do you turn defeat into triumph? Share it in the comments.

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How a chicken sandwich taught me I don’t like change.

Military life, parenthood, homeschooling, and ministry all hold fast to some very important truths.

  • Expect the unexpected
  • Everything will change
  • Enjoy today because it wont be here long
  • Embrace the roller coaster ride!

Are you picking up on the theme? Change. It is inevitable. Avoid getting comfortable because that’s when it all hits the fan. So that’s my life. Everything changes.

So why did I find that chicken sandwich so upsetting?

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Our Sons and Daughters - If you have ever loved a soldier you will understand this WWII mom

Knock KnockWhile my soldier is gone every unexpected knock at the door sends my imagination into overdrive. I discovered a poet by the name of May Hill recently. She is a mother from World War II who writes poetry about her son, her thoughts, and her prayers. Every time I stumble upon an author whose view point was of waiting from the homefront it is such a treat. No matter how many decades separate us there is a bond between those who are left behind.

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Helping your child through deployment.

I can already sense the difference. I’ve been told that each deployment brings with it new challenges and no two are the same. This time… I’m pretty sure… is going to be all about the children.

Daddy left for a month. And they fell apart. We entered the world of baby talk, bed wetting, and continuous tears (a world we exited along with diapers over 2 years ago). One night our middle daughter nearly hyperventilated just desiring a hug from dad.

Needless to say, I took a short hiatus from blogging. But I’m back. And for now I’m focusing on my kids.