Yesterday, I shared with you the joy I have at my daughter’s survival and the utter brokenness we both feel. If you missed it you can read it here: How can I feel broken and blessed all at once.
Survivor’s Guilt, according to Dr. Kevin Ellers in his lecture Survivor’s Guilt & Fostering Resiliency (Part of www.LightUniversity.com‘s Stress & Trauma Care with Military Application Training Program), has a typical and broader defintion:
We have been coming to St. Jude for 7.5 years now. Katie was diagnosed with RB (Retinoblastoma) at 6 months old.
Our story is not unlike others (you can read about it here). It was a whirlwind of emotions that leaves me raw thinking about it, even now.
As our visits to St. Jude have moved further apart (now only twice a year) we have become more removed from the community of fellow patients. Our visits feel more and more like we are on the outside looking in rather then active participants.
When we arrived at Ft Bliss I was 7 months pregnant. My first mission became to find a community of friends. Though I was still angry at God and not interested in pursuing our relationship further (read more about that here) the most familiar place I knew to meet people was church. I quickly discovered PWOC (Protestant Women of the Chapel) and Sunrise Baptist Church and we began making a new home.
On April 2 we woke up early and headed to the main hospital where Katie was scheduled for her enucleation.
I have never prayed so hard in my life. I knew in my heart that God had already healed her. I thanked Him for the healing. I believed.
Ok, so I’ve walked this Christian life long enough to know that things do not always turn out the way we ask but I had also experienced, witnessed first hand, miracles occur. I knew that my God was strong enough to heal my daughter. And since He claimed to love her more then I ever could I knew that at any moment one of the doctors would walk into the waiting room and say “We can’t explain it, there is no tumor. Your daughter can keep her eye the cancer is gone.”
That was not the path that had been laid out for us.
Our St Jude story began in Conway, AR.
Katie had just started crawling and would get stuck on the left side. She would crawl into a chair leg, cry, then do it again. When we played peekabo she would panic if we covered her right eye and not respond if we covered her left. She also developed a nursing preference. During the day she only liked nursing on the right and at night on the left.
We took her in to the doctor for her shots at 6 months, expressed our concerns, and were told by the nurse that the doctor would do an eye exam at 9 months. We were not satisfied. My husband got a hold of the local eye doctor who fit us in right away after hearing our concerns.
Training Volunteers (aka Vs) is an essential part of a successful organization, outreach, or project.
As an FRG leader I love that training is built in and required before picking up a phone and officially being a key caller or before being handed a checkbook as the treasurer. As the Ministry Director of our church I struggle with the best way to train our already exhausted when they walk in the door volunteers who sometimes want nothing more then to be a “butt in the chair.” I have to say I detest filling chairs with nothing but butts. I find it a waste of everyone’s time and energy.
Currently, I am at St Jude with my daughters. We are surrounded by families fighting for their children’s lives. Some will win, some won’t.
Today, 6/22/2012, the hospital is celebrating their 50 year anniversary. This place has meant so much to us in the 5 years we have been here. It has taught us that cancer is beatable, that life is precious, and that one man’s promise and vision can truly change the world.
