Lessons on Reintegration from Last Man Standing

Normally I don’t post on the weekend, but I just watched the season opener of Last Man Standing and it resonated. It begins with Mike Baxter, the lead character, vlogging about his travels to remote areas of the world and how he is looking forward to coming home to the familiarity and comfort of his own home.

And then he gets home.

I believe anyone who has ever been deployed or waited anxiously at home for their solder to return can relate to the anticipation, joy, and let downs that occur upon a homecoming.

Earlier today I had a phone interview with My Journey of Faith Magazine (available October 8). One of the questions given to me was what would you tell a young military spouse anticipating the return of her soldier after their first deployment? If I could rewind and reanswer I would say watch Last Man Standing’s episode that aired on 9/25/2015. In less then 30 minutes they were able to display the entire range of emotions felt from homecoming through reintegration, at least in my experience.

Here they are -

• Anticipation. Mike Baxter can’t wait to come home. He remembers how it was, the familiar, the good and has forgotten the struggles of everyday. It’s his safe retreat in his mind when he is dirty, tired, and lonely. Home is quiet and good.
• Homecoming. He walks through the door and his wife greets him more then happy to please. She has her own ideas of homecoming but quickly accommodates to his because really all she wants is him.
• Change. While away his wife has decided to make a few changes, things she did for the two of them but without his input…because…well…he was half a world away. She was lonely and needed a distraction. But these changes mean that his home is no longer the safe retreat he had in mind. It’s new and unfamiliar and he has had more then enough new and unfamiliar. He wants safety and something to remind him of before.
• It doesn’t go as planned. Instead of having the quiet uninterrupted homecoming there are arguments. The quiet safe home is filled with the noise of arguing children. Family members who are arguing about small inconveniences and can’t see the tired, shell-shocked father before them.
• Disappointment and misunderstanding. Instead of being honest with one another, instead of communicating their frustrations they lash out and hurt one another. The honeymoon is over before it actually starts and everyone is angry and hurt. Home is not the safe haven that has been fantasized about while gone.

What Mike Baxter and I have Learned About Reintegration

• Communicate. Be honest every step of the way. Start before you reunite. Share your idea of the perfect homecoming and listen to your spouse’s. Then when your soldier is home listen to their needs and share your own. Be honest.
• Don’t sweat the small stuff. Soak in your spouse’s presence. Enjoy and cherish each moment. Let go of the misunderstandings, the small changes, and just hold tight to the fact you are together again. This is the moment you have waited months for, don’t spoil it with holding to tightly to what was. Enjoy what is.
• Love each other unconditionally. You’ve both changed. You’ve both faced new challenges and have grown because of it. Perhaps you’ve acquired new bad habits. It’s a learning process to reunite. Use it as an opportunity to date one another and enjoy the honeymoon all over again.
• When your soldier starts to miss the deployment, the battle buddies, the adventure - don’t be offended. Their adjusting to a new normal. When you miss your quiet time and independence - don’t feel guilty. You’re adjusting to a new normal too.

Give each other grace and remember why you fell in love to begin with. Learn to fall in love all over again.

I would love to hear your stories of reintegration. Share in the comments below. If you’re not a military family and have always wondered what homecomings are like turn on your tv and find the premiere of Last Man Standing. It’s not a perfect picture, Mike Baxter isn’t in uniform, but it’s pretty dang close.

For more on long distance marriage and how you can thrive in one be sure to check out my book Finding Joy: The Year Apart That Made Me A Better Wife.